Interesting timing, as I finished this letter before President Barack Obama made his historic declaration regarding same-sex marriage.  Now, a declaration of support is a long way from enacting laws that provide rights, but just the same, it’s a huge step.  The first, hopefully, of many.  On to my letter…

This is not a break up letter, or a Dear John letter.  You don’t leave the things you love that easily.  But, when someone or something you love mistreats you, you stand up against it.  You make your voice heard.  You demand better.

You don’t leave.  Lovers, fighters, Americans don’t divorce things that easily.  You stay, you fight, and you make it work.  It’s the American way. Isn’t it?

I’ve heard throughout the years, after numerous discriminating votes, abusive phrases like “if you don’t like it, leave it,” and “America has spoken.”  In honest and real terms, those phrases mean “suck up the mistreatment, and accept the crumbs you receive.”

Is that what America really is?  Is America really about sucking up “less than” treatment?  The America I read about in history books and watched on film is a place envisioned to be a safe haven for the “others”.  America is a place that a majority would never override the rights of the minority.  That is America’s safe haven ideal.  That’s what we should be.

But that’s not what we really have become.  It’s not what we have been, throughout many grand failures.  The horrendous missteps over generations, from racial discrimination to female discrimination; America’s track record isn’t as enlightened as we would like to think.

But the ideal, at the core of our beliefs, is that America is a place of inclusion rather than exclusion.  For a place to really be inclusive it should be such to a diverse range of people, not just a select comfortable few; otherwise the inclusive verbiage just doesn’t fit the behavior.

I’m an American.  I’m a woman.  And I’m gay.  I’m a gay American.  I’m not sure if I call myself proud to be gay, as it’s just something I happen to be.  I’m proud that I’m open and honest about being gay, that is for sure.  And I’m happy to be gay.  Being gay has led me to my wife.  And it’s led me to being a more compassionate person who appreciates inclusion from others.  I don’t overlook the important role that inclusion has in my life; and the role it plays in most lives.    And I use it when I cultivate friendships with people of varying backgrounds and beliefs.  Because of inclusive behavior, my life is richer in its totality.

I’m a good person.  I care about people. And I not only care about others, I do things to make sure others know that I care about them.  And that’s rare these days.  These days, people spend more time trying to convey a message about themselves, rather than convey a concerning message towards someone else.  It’s an epidemic.  And unlike love between committed adults, any committed adults, the epidemic of “lacking concern for others” is a moral issue.  Instead of isolating select love as a “moral crisis,” perhaps America can isolate the lack of love for others as the bigger concern.

But, I digress…

Back to you, America….

I’ve been with you since the day I was born; 1974, Southfield, Michigan.  And let’s be clear from the start, I appreciate the relationship we have had for all of those nearly 38 years.  I realize that as an American my life has come with advantages that others around the world could really only dream of having.  I’ve been raised in a country that for most of my years has been a beacon to the rest of the world; and you can’t really underestimate how satisfying it feels to be admired for positive traits.  America is a bit boastful, and has often had reasons to boast; charitable citizens, helpful to others around the world, wealth that has led to greater standards of life, and a true melting pot of religious, ethnic, and cultural ingredients.  America the beautiful!

My Mom once told me that she thought I was one of the most patriotic people she knew.  I’m not sure how she came to that determination, but I took it as a compliment, and still take it as such today.  I am patriotic.  I love my country.  I love it in a way that you love a parent, or a child.  We are tied, eternally, to our families.  We see flaws in our families, and bicker with our families.  We also strive for “better” with various family members.  Family is one of the greatest rewards in life, and its relationships are also some of the toughest roads to travel.  Family; it’s like love of country.  It’s at the core of our beings and very central in our lives.

I love America.

I’m a gay American.

And I’m not leaving.

I’m standing here and demanding what I deserve; equal and fair treatment.  I know, without hesitation, that history will stand on the side of fairness and equality.

Decades ago, people fought about racial injustice.  Decades ago, people fought about inter-religious marriage, and inter-racial marriage.  Most of these injustices were based on fear, coupled with selective and hypocritical religious judgment.  Such judgment completely misses the boat on the separation of church and state; a corner stone to American society.  But the judgment goes further than that.  The judgment challenges the core of the American ideal; inclusion.  The judgment allows a powerful majority to disperse unfair treatment to a powerless minority.

The judgment is not a gay issue, it’s an American issue.  Americans should be livid.  Americans should be appalled.  All Americans, gay or not, should demand better.

For the life of me, I’ll never understand the fear and/or hatred towards gay people.  But, the truth is, I don’t really need to understand it.  People are allowed their own feelings and beliefs.   What I don’t understand is how our country continues to do this dance with inequality, one minority group at a time.  This argument, honestly, seems so “last century.”  In a world of wars, of disease, of poverty, and hunger, are we really fighting about two adults committing to love one another?  Are we really fighting about gay marriage?  Seriously, America, come on….

I could share cliché thought after cliché thought, like:  “if my gay marriage negatively affects your marriage than it says something about the quality of your marriage.”  But, I won’t go there.  That’s obvious.  I could ask discriminating heterosexuals to tell me, exactly, why their relationship is superior to mine, but I won’t go there, either.  That is nonsense.  It’s crazy talk.  We are having a nonsensical crazy family argument at the Thanksgiving Day table; this is that drunk holiday conversation that will only go in circles.  It’s pure lunacy!  And it’s time those on the side of equality starting calling it such; lunacy!

I’m blessed to have many heterosexual friends and family in my life that “get it.”  At times I have thanked some of them for their inclusive nature and unbridled support.  And often the response I have received has been “of course. “  And, “don’t thank me for being or doing or saying what is right.”  It’s funny, as a minority, I am ultra “appreciative” of the people in my life that actually do what I would expect them to do; what I would do for them.  But, the demand for equality takes more than gay people.  That’s what I recognize and that is why I’m ultra-appreciative.  It takes everyone.  Gays can’t do it alone.

Back in the early days of the civil rights movement, it took more than African Americans to demand equality.  It took many Americans to do what is expected of all Americans; stand for justice and stand for equality.

I use to say that we need to “fight” for equality.  But that sounds combative and that sounds like one side wins and the other side loses.  There should be no sides here.  I prefer to demand equality.  Like any relationship in my life, my relationship with my country has its challenges.  But, I won’t hide from those challenges and I won’t divorce myself from this lifelong relationship.  I’m demanding the treatment I deserve and I won’t stop demanding it until it’s received.  And even then, like a nagging wife, I’ll continue to demand the treatment I know…I KNOW…I deserve!  That everyone deserves….

With eternal love and hopefulness…

TIGERS TWO-STEP

Anyone in Metro Detroit is familiar with the motto “April in the D.”  It’s become not only a slogan, but an anthem in recent years.  April in the D is an awesome time because April brings the start to our Tigers, and typically the start of playoffs for our Red Wings and Pistons.  This year, as with last year, April is the end to Pistons misery, but for the 21^st consecutive year, it’s the start of a Red Wings playoff run.

April, with warmth, sunshine, and flurries, has been only hot for our Tigers.  Most people in baseball predicted the Tigers to win the Central Division and be a competing force for a championship.  So, their start hasn’t been too shocking.  But, nonetheless, the way they have ripped off such a start has been outstanding.  The punch of Cabby and Fielder looks to be a double barreled force that could beam the baseball world for years to come.

That combination, coupled with hot starts of players like Austin Jackson and Alex Avila, has made the Tigers line-up steaming hot.  Justin Verlander, as expected, came out throwing needled darts on Opening Day.  The pitching has yet to round into form, with a potentially brutal blow of losing Doug Fister for a stint, Max Scherzer bringing his Bad Max impression to his first start, and Jose Valverde blowing his first save since 2010.

Even with a hurt Fister, a bad Max, and a blown potato cake, the Tigers started the season 4-0, until finally losing their first game today (they now sit at 4-1).    Action Jackson is taking walks, and Cabby is more than holding his own at 3^rd.  And fans have yet to curse the name Gene Lamont.  Not too shabby.  Keep it up, April!

RED WINGS

Even though the Red Wings skated through the meat of their season hotter than a steak on the grill, their last couple of months have included little sizzle.  With a rash of injuries, and lately, a scoring drought of Global Warming proportions, the playoff run starts without much fanfare.

I will be honest in saying that this is probably the first time in over 20 years when I will sit and watch my Red Wings  begin the postseason , and I won’t possess that annoying Hockeytown swagger.  My confidence is shaken.

I’m not sure if the recent cold streak has left me frigid or frail.  If their inability to score, like a hooker at morgue, has me frustrated or concerned.  Or if the special teams discrepancy between Detroit and Nashville has me rattled like a Cowboy on Rodeo Drive.

I just don’t know what to expect.

I sadly say I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Red Wings lose this first round series.  But on the flip side, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them win the series, either.

That’s the funny thing with confidence; it takes awhile to build, and can often be quickly shaken.  That’s the situation for me, as a fan.  But I suspect that confidence, in reality, may be what the Red Wings actually have on their side.  They are confident, even if I am not.

They have a dressing room full of experienced and calm players, and I have to suspect they feel they can win the series.  And, with any sports, that is half the battle.

Normally I like to predict a series, but in this case, I’ll honestly say I can’t get a read.  At times, in my gut, I fear that my feeling says “this isn’t the year for our Red Wings.”  But, in another moment, I remember their resiliency, skill, and experience, and I say to myself “stop your fear based whining and just wait and see.”  So, that is what I will do.

I’ll sit quietly next to my shaken confidence, and hope my Red Wings use their own confidence to light the lamp and heat things up!

PLAY BALL….

And, here we are.  The day when hope springs eternal, and dreams of walk-offs at the ball park are so close we can hear the crack of the bat.

It’s Opening Day time.

Ours is a Detroit Tigers house.  It’s also a Los Angeles Dodgers house.  That’s what happens when you inter-marry.  But, that’s OK, my wife and I both have enough cheer and vigor to go around.  And, if we have to root for two teams, none better.

The Detroit Tigers; a team steeped in Old English D tradition.  There are few things that bring tears to my eyes like a clip from a past Tigers broadcast.  Whether it’s one of many Ernie Harwell hum dingers, or recent magical moments, I hear the music and remember the moment and I’m transported.  It’s Disneyland for my soul.

As a kid I was all about Alan Trammel, and still relive the moment when Darrell Evans and Larry Herdon hit back to back homers at Tigers Stadium in 1984.  As an adult, nothing beats the first time I took Sam to a Tigers game, which happened to be game 4 of the 2006 ALCS.  Maggliio Ordonez hit a 3-run walk off homer to send us to the series.  Not a bad first game for my wife.  She’s been a good luck Tigers charm ever since.  The Tigers, and in particular Opening Day, is a holiday unlike any other in Metro Detroit.  And I’m thrilled that the party is nearly begun again.

Every time I sit in my seat at a game at Comerica Park I feel the same way; in awe.  I’ve attended tons of games.  Still feel in awe.

The Los Angeles Dodgers are a team rich with MLB history.  From east coast to west coast prominence, the Dodgers bridge the history of Brooklyn with the golden shiny new of Los Angeles.  It is a cool combination for my wife, who’s family is from Brooklyn and who herself grew up in Los Angeles.  I don’t have the childhood memories of the Dodgers, so I can’t wax poetic like she can.  But, with one of the oldest ball parks in baseball, and a slew of Pennant and World Series rings, the Dodgers have stature.  Any team that has a name derived from a link to trolleys is a team with some gosh darn history.

Like I mentioned, I don’t have the youth or family history with the Dodgers, and it’s been years since I attended a game at Dodger stadium.  However, having lived in California for many years in the 90’s, I was lucky enough to sit in the seats at Dodger stadium.  And, I must say, few places rival that Dodger scenery.  How can any place effectively compete with the topography that is Southern California?  If ever you are interested in a dazzling view for a game or a concert, go sit awhile in Dodger Stadium, or at the Santa Barbara Bowl in Santa Barbara.  Both are spectacular, but only one is home to Dodger Blue.

And, let’s not forget that the Tigers and Dodgers share Kirk Gibson, a Michigan kid filled with piss and vinegar, who will return home in a few years to lead his old team, the Tigers.  He’s the same Michigan kid who has one of the most memorable of all baseball moments while in a Dodgers uniform.  Ah, the poetry of it all.

Normally, my pre-season blogs are filled with predictions and the reading of some tea leaves.  Not this year.  Predictions are out the window and I’m more fascinated with watching it all unfold.  Even though I’m a rabid football fan, and football brings out the extra crazy in me; there is something special about baseball.  I’m sure I said it last year, and I’ll say it again; baseball is magical.  It makes a kid out of all of us, and it takes fans on a long and curvy six month journey.  It’s a day in and day out grind, for players and fans alike.  It takes patience.  It takes fortitude.  It takes character.

Steroids, addiction, and obscene money aside, baseball is one of the best things going.  It’s my power food!  It’s an obsession for many.  And, it’s still a beautiful national pastime.

The baseball song to end all baseball songs plays throughout my mind from April to October; “Put me in coach, I’m ready to play.”  And I am.  Hope you are, too!  Go Tigers, Go Dodgers, and go whatever team you are pulling for (unless they are playing the Tigers or Dodgers)

I have to admit, and I do so without any shame; I love food.  I love to cook it, bake it, you name it.  I also love to eat it.  If a Genie came to my house and offered me 3 wishes one would inevitably be “calories will no longer make you fat.”  That wish would obviously come after ending world hunger, solving all of the hatred in the world, and a Lions Super Bowl championship.  Oh wait, that’s 4 wishes.  I digress…

I love food.  I crave food.  And I’m sure I’m not alone.

And though too much food, or bad food, can lead to a great deal of unhealthiness, we need food.

What I often liken in our society to food is “stuff.”  By stuff I mean material goods.  I mean all that “stuff” that we forward past seeing during 2 minute television interruptions.

The Fitbit I have clipped to my waistband.

The iPhone 4S sitting next to me.

The many laptops spread around the house, the toys in the garage, and the boxes of old CDs, or videos in closets and nooks where we shove them.

Stuff.

It’s our national pastime, and our extra chewy dark fudge brownie with 3 scoops that we will never cut out of our unhealthy living and spending diet.

Stuff.

Material goods and food: fraternal twins in our social experiment in craving.

In Buddhism, one is taught that when you crave now, you suffer later.  In my favorite book that I reference quite frequently (It’s Easier Than You Think), the author believes that in fact when you crave now you suffer NOW.

There is essentially nothing wrong with “stuff.”  We need some things, and we enjoy other things.  “Stuff” has the ability to enhance our lives, or make our lives run a bit smoother.  All praise helpful or happy stuff.

The struggle, however, comes from that bottomless pit of craving that can never be filled.  I believe “stuff” has a very long term contract in place with that bottomless never satisfied pit.  Don’t you think?

With food, people typically have a taste for something, and then the craving passes.  Sometimes one eats the item of their craving to quench their desire, and sometimes the desire just passes with time.  Food is also typically a response of having an appetite, and hopefully appetites can be satisfied. Our hunger comes and goes, as we are never permanently full.  The same also seems true of our hunger for things.

One day our material desire might be the new video system everyone is talking about.  We think about it for weeks, we browse prices and sales for days, and sometimes we even wait in ridiculous lines to make a purchase.  We finally quench the thirst when we purchase the object of our desire.  We take it home and play with it.  We show it to visitors that come to the house.  We have fun with it and everything feels right with the world.  Then, we lose our interest.  The desire for “stuff”, although temporarily quenched by the new game, really only lay in hiding until Apple releases its latest iPhone update, or Macy’s announces an earth shattering sale on Gucci bags.

It’s a desire that is rarely satisfied for long, and a desire that although recognizable to most, is hard to combat in a world built upon desire.  Our society has built a foundation predicated on people always wanting “things.”

It’s all very confusing, as many people go to church or read books on fulfillment, enlightenment and the “truth” of happiness coming from within and not on external rewards.  Then we leave church or put down the book and are bombarded with television ads, twitter feeds, billboards, and the quest for the “American Dream,” which translates into bigger and better “stuff.”  How does it all add up?

I’d say my favorite quote, “the race is long and in the end it’s only with yourself,” but the truth is that where “things” are concerned there is no race.  There is just a bottomless pit of unending desire.

I think the key with “stuff,” as it truly is with food, is moderation.  Learning to approach material goods with the mindset of a healthy and wise eater is trans-formative.  It’s about understanding and acceptance. It’s not about filling a void, or putting a Band-Aid on boredom.  After all, today’s stuff is just tomorrow’s garage sale stuff.  “Oh,” I yawn…boring!

Just recently I jumped on the “How I Met Your Mother” train.  Up until about a month ago, I never watched the show.  Thanks to Netflix streaming and the new Roku in my work-out room, I’m catching up on a rather fun loving and sweet show.  The show is certainly not earth shattering, but it’s slightly humorous and light hearted fun.

It makes no sense that a father would be spending hours and hours, and days upon days telling his children 100’s of stories on how he met their mother, but belief suspended, I love the idea of passing on stories or life’s antidotes to those who come after us.

We don’t have children yet, and I’m not sure if we ever will.  Our doggies are children to me, but it’s sort of challenging to impart too much so called “wisdom” on them.  For the sake of this blog, I’ll go with the notion that I am or will be a Mom.

And in the role of Mom, I dispense my own “How I met…Myself” moments of insight…

EPISODE 1

It was many years ago and I was helping my brother-in-law coach my two nieces’ soccer team.  The girls were in Elementary school at the time, so I use the word “coach” very loosely.  We ran some drills, and we showed up on game days to urge the girls to action.  One would have thought I was on the sideline of World Cup Soccer games due to the quickness of my pace up and down the sideline and the excitement in my voice as I blurted out instructions that typically went in and immediately out of little ears.

They were short seasons, and short games.  But, the experience was a reminder of many things to me, and I have to be honest in saying, I miss it a bit.

My brother-in-law and I would blurt out instructions and advice on a continuous basis, all while parents on the opposite side of the field did more of the same.  I’m sure on the field, to the kids, it all sounded like irrelevant gibberish.  Half the time, it was a battle just making sure kids were standing up on the grass and not sitting down playing with it.  So, the adults were obviously taking the game much more serious than the second graders.

Regardless of the minimal importance of it all on a competitive setting, I did enjoy the encouraging nature of coaching.  There was one moment in those couple of years of coaching that sticks out to me most.  Well, there are many moments, but one that still warms the cockles of my sometimes cynical heart.

PUT ME IN COACH

There was a young girl on the team that was certainly one of the better athletes.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear she’s playing in high school now.  She was one of the few that really grasped the concept of the game, and she had the talent to match her interest.  Usually we barked out guidance to the kids only to receive blank stares in return.  On this day, our young star actually heard my guidance on the sideline, and went back into the field taking the approach I suggested.  Not only did she listen to me, and hear me…she actually went back into the game and took action.  She didn’t seem fazed by the positive results of listening to my direction, but I nearly passed out on the sideline as I watched.  My shock was less at the results, but more so in the fact that she took my lead.  And the bigger payout was how good it felt to see her do so well.  She ended up making a great play and charging down the field.  To be honest, I don’t even remember if she scored or not, I was just so thrilled to watch her doing so well.  It was a huge reminder to me then, and even know, that even when you least expect it, something can warm your heart.  I’m being honest in saying that watching her do so well, and knowing I had a hand in making it possible, actually felt better than if I had even done it myself.  It may not have been a Bo or Izzo moment, but it sure makes me smile even years later.

SHE WHO SEES HAIRY ARMS

On that same soccer team there was also a young girl that provided another reminder.  She was much less an athlete than our star pupil, above.  This girl was a bit awkward and out of shape and for whatever reason mostly enjoyed following me around and asking inane questions.  Although sometimes tiring and often frustrating, she wasn’t a bad kid; mainly a handful.  She questioned everything, and at its core, I don’t have a huge issue with that; she was obviously interested.  But, what she also questioned, were the things I’m sure most of us have experienced a time or two; she seemed to ask embarrassing question after embarrassing question about me.

I have a dark complexion and am a dark haired young woman. Yes, I still say, “young woman.”  Having that type of complexion also means, at least for me, that my body is certainly not hair free.  I have, relatively, hairy arms (at least for a female).  This was a cross to bear as a child, but nothing that brings me any anxiety as a grown up.  There is something about kids, though; they see all of these social imperfections like candy in the desert.

This rather out of shape and inquisitive little one spotted my arms, and spotted my hair.  And I’m sure she worried that I was unaware of the situation.  Without a single look of worry to insult, she came right up to me asking “why do you have so much hair on your arms?”  And, as luck would have it, she didn’t take me to the sideline and whisper it into my ear, but rather asked it loudly in the middle of the field while I explained a soccer drill to a group of players.  I really don’t’ remember how I responded, or how the other kids responded, but to this day I remember her asking me that silly but honest question.  I chuckled a bit about it that day, as I drove home, and I actually chuckle now.  It’s a reminder to me that filters are a good thing.  And though I sometimes look back on childhood with nostalgia for the magic time of wonder, I’m rather glad that years have brought me filters.  Of course, the filters break from time to time, namely during sports events, but I own them, nonetheless.

Filters are good, and some humility and forgiveness for those that lack filters, is even better.

Success doesn’t equal success.  Success doesn’t guarantee success.

Huh?

Outward success has nothing to do with internal success.  And, ultimately internal success is what leads to happiness, contentment, fulfillment; the things that make life valuable to most of us.

We see examples of this theory often in celebrities.  A performer like Kelly Clarkson has talked often and openly about her struggles with relationships, fame, and loneliness.  She has chosen to live in her home state, Texas, away from the limelight of stardom in Hollywood.  She is famous and successful in a career she dreamed of and loves.  She is respected as being a talented singer.  She certainly has wealth.  She has what most people seek; a successful career in a field she loves, respected by others, and earning money to buy herself most things she would want. She probably also meets people all over the world; talented and connected people.  How does her overwhelming external success not automatically equate to internal success?

Whitney Houston was a tragic example of the same scenario; unworldly talented, known and respected through-out the world, successful in her craft, and exceedingly rich.  She was exceptionally beautiful, as well.  Most of her adult life included a struggle with addiction, but one could certainly argue that she struggled with feelings of inadequacy, doubt, and sadness.  Whitney House: Inadequate, doubtful and sad?  The external success didn’t automatically equate to internal success.

There are people in my family, or friends I have known for years; some of them have achieved success in their career, often a “dream” career doing something they love.  Just the same, they struggle with all of the things I struggle with.  They struggle with the things I hear so many other people struggling with.  They even dislike or have frustrations with their job, even when in a dream or desired chosen career.

I think it’s a great lie of our time this thing called “success.”  It comes and it goes; just like happiness.  Like I have heard celebrities refer to fame, success also seems like an illusion.  Success is somehow determined by select criteria that “somehow” evolved in our society.  Many people believe it comes wrapped inside the big and beautiful home, or new cars, or prestigious job titles, or the prestigious career path.  We all assume it comes with wealth, and often with fame.

Part of the dilemma is this obsession with following ones “dreams.”  And I don’t say that to be a negative Nancy.  There is nothing wrong with dreams; in fact, I’m sure they are at the heart of most wonderful things in our world.  We all have dreams and we all need dreams.  Some come true and many do not.  But, this new age drive to always chase ones dream at any cost seems to be more pressure we put on ourselves and each other.  But, the problem I see is not inherently in the “dream,” or drive towards ones dreams.  A dream, at its core, is a healthy and positive pursuit.  The illusion lies in the belief that chasing or achieving ones dreams equals success, which then equals happiness, contentment and fulfillment.  Along with that illusion, is the fallacy of respected dreams which should line up with outward societal success in select careers, or in acquiring a set amount of material wealth.  Does our society value or applaud the pursuit of dreams even when they don’t equate to the normal parameters of external success?  I wonder….

When I was young and just out of high school my dream was to move to California.  And I did it, I moved to Santa Barbara and later Ventura, CA.  I loved the experience and still have a lot of sentiment in my heart for that beautiful state; however, the issues that plagued me moved right along with me.  I had some very fun, exciting and happy times, but I also had a great deal of heartbreak.  I guess those things often come with dreams.  And though my time in California may have not garnered external success; I didn’t have a high paying job, or live in a kick-ass California home, the experiences of growth that I recognize years later show me the real value in the years I spent there.  Where living in California once was a dream, it ended up really being more about my own personal healing and growth.  For those things, I’d gladly sacrifice my previous illusions of grandeur.

Happiness can come along with living ones dream, or even achieving ones dream.  But, like happiness and success, dreams also come and go.  And so the illusion continues further, as the dream is a moving carrot.  We see a lot phrases and books encouraging folks to “live your dream.” And all of that is great in theory, but it’s not always attainable for many, and beyond that, many live their dream or get their dream and find out they are just as lonely and filled with holes as before, and sometimes even more so…

I know my thoughts are a bit counter to the self-help generation that spends more time memorizing the tools to “The Secret”, then actually defining their internal success.  I see aspects of this self-help craze parallel the diet craze; everyone wants a magic pill, or the fast bullet.  With health and weight, there is no secret formula; eating healthy, in moderation, and exercising is the secret.  And happiness and fulfillment are no different; there isn’t a secret path which only one book will dispel.

I certainly don’t have any concrete answers to what brings internal success to each person; it’s safe to say we are all unique souls bouncing about.  But, from where I sit, it seems apparent that the outward trimmings of success don’t do the trick for most people.   One can certainly be an outward “success” as our society defines it, as well as a happy person with great internal success.  It’s just most likely that the outward success didn’t create the internal success.

A life filled with external success which is mostly self-gratifying, which doesn’t help others, usually doesn’t provide contentment and fulfillment to the person that has the success.  A lot of “successful” people who also achieve fulfillment and contentment along with it, are people that manage to find ways to do things for others; they become successful and use their platform to help other people.

It seems apparent, but also important, to admit that real contentment, or real success, comes from an internal place.   The internal place hopefully is one of peace, self-confidence, gratitude, and compassion.  For me, internal success is defined by the joy in my life and the joy I bring to others.  Although I can’t control the happiness of others, nor please everyone all the time, part of my journey must include people outside me.

So, instead of asking you what you “do” (for a living), or what you drive, I’ll ask you something more important.  I ask you this, what is your path to internal success?

Calm yourself, Red Wings fans.  Wipe away the tears.  And by God, get a hold of yourselves.

I’ve made mention to it before, and I really hate to rag on my own fan base, but let’s keep things in perspective.  One of my coworkers, and a good friend and sports buddy, echoed to me this morning common panic in Hockeytown sentiments that I hear after most losses.  “It’s not that the streak ended, but how it ended.”  “They can’t lose to Chicago and Vancouver.”  “This could be the end of things.”

Oh, my, word….

Yes, the Red Wings home winning streak ended.  It ended after an improbable 23 straight home victories.  Yes, I understand some included overtime wins, and a few of those were in shoot outs.  I also understand that hockey competition may be stronger than years when the previous records were set, and the Wings certainly play in a tough division, in a tough conference, and with a tough traveling schedule.  So, all things being equal, the record stands and is way fucking deserved.  So, cool your jets east coast or Canadian media biased bashers.

Anyhow, I digress….

Back to panic in Hockeytown.  Yes, the home streak has ended.  And yes, the Wings have unfortunately lost 2 games in a row with the return of Howard, who has done everything but melt the ice to try and get the victories.

But, there is no reason to panic.  It was just days ago that Chicago was on a very long losing streak.  Teams have highs and lows.  Seasons ebb and flow.  It’s not always who is hot early, but who is consistent long enough to be in a position come playoff time, and who then is able to ignite the flame when the proverbial playoff puck drops.

The Red Wings will lose more games, Wings fans.  They will lose some on the road and they will lose some at home.  They may have a fluky loss or two, and they may get out played in some games.  That is hockey.  That is the NHL.  That is sports.  Heck, that’s life.

It’s too much to expect the Red Wings to win and outperform every team, every night.  It’s not too much to want, though, let’s be honest.  But, the Red Wings aren’t the only good team out there, so, as much as fans fret with a loss, maybe a tip of the cap is needed towards the other teams that just might have more on a given night.  That more could be energy, or skill, or even luck.

So, not that my consoling might help anyhow, but I beg of you Hockeytown, put away the pampered spoiled frat boy panic, and sit back with some patience and enjoy the ride.  I can’t promise you the Wings will win the cup, or they won’t, but as they do season after grinding season, they will give us something to cheer for, and they will make the ride worth taking.

I can’t wait for the next puck drop.  So, “Hey Hey, Hockeytown,”… chill!!!!   And Go Red Wings  :)

Valentine’s Day is one of those “holidays” that asks people to draw a line in the sand.  We saw it on Facebook.  We saw it on Twitter.  We often see it when we shop through stores, listen to the radio, or meander in our communities.  Are you all about Cupid, or are you moving the Grinch into February discussion?

There seems to be little middle of the road dwelling for Valentine’s Day.

Facebook contained many postings of gooey sweet romantic gifts, fun romantic activities, and similar pictures of flowers and candy.  Facebook also contained status updates of irritation or skepticism over a holiday seemingly developed by a card maker or an industry propagating the need to spend unnecessary money to prove devotion to ones mate.

VALENTINE’S DAY MEANS IT ALL

From where I see it, all of the above is true.  Valentine’s Day is in part a fabricated day that has been blow into excessive proportions.  Valentine’s Day celebrates a loving spirit that really should be demonstrated every day of every year.  Valentine’s Day tends to sometimes put undue pressure on people to make adequate gestures to their love.  There is much to be irritated about.  There is reason for skepticism.

On the flip side, I can’t help but smile a bit for a day that celebrates love.  I can’t help but smile at a day that is about flowers, and candy, and hearts…and romance.  And Valentine’s Day isn’t really just about romance; I have received Valentine’s Day cards from my folks since I was a kid.  Valentine’s Day is about the special peeps in our lives that add to the texture of our hearts.

Valentine’s Day isn’t a day that we shouldn’t celebrate.  It’s a day we should multiply and celebrate even more.  But really, it’s less about how much I spend on my wife, or if I get a card in the mail for each of my parental units, or close loving family members.  For me, it’s about remembering, embracing and appreciating the love in my life.

Appreciation goes a long way….

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Valentine’s Day is just another opportunity to express love and appreciation.  Instead of growing up past the small index sized cards that we gave out on Valentine’s Day in Elementary school, perhaps we should think more about giving out those sentiments routinely.

TO EACH OF YOU, I SAY

You’re Special

You Rock

Be Mine

Tweet Me

Sweet Love

Cutie Pie

Call Me

Dream

Be Good

So Fine

Awesome

Smile

HEY HEY VALENTINE’S DAY

More than anything, there is always room in my heart for special friends and family member Valentines.  Though my wife is my # 1 Valentine, there is always room for others.  So, I leave you , the day after Valentine’s Day, asking this…

Won’t you be another one of my precious Valentines?

I’m a Beatles fan.

This is not breaking news.  This is not earth shattering new information. Most that know me, know I’m a Beatles fan.  And being such, somehow automatically also makes me “not so much of a Rolling Stones fan.”  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate the Rolling Stones.  They have some songs I enjoy.  But as a whole, I’m on team Beatles.

With all of that being said, I do wonder if the Rolling Stones were right in saying “you get what you need.”  Do you?
ANALYZE THIS

I’m happy and proud to say that I have a good marriage.  I have a good wife.  And I know you may say “well Mel, you have only been married a few months,” which is true.  But, Sam and I have been together almost 9 years, living together most of those years, so it’s felt like we have been married forever.  In my heart, we were married years ago.

I bring this up because my wife and I always have such interesting conversations.  We both feel things deeply, and analyze our lives often.

It’s natural to us to examine jobs, education, family relationships, friendships, habits, home, and marriage.  With examinations come questions, confusion, loneliness, compassion, and goals to make  changes in one direction or another.

STEP AWAY FROM THE MIRROR

I’m a big believer in perspective; meaning, we can shift how something looks by shifting our viewpoint.  If I’m feeling “less than” during a particular day, I may focus on my hair that doesn’t hang the way I like, or goals I’ve yet to reach, or the ways my body aches more and more day to day.  I look in the mirror and see all the flaws.  And believe me, it’s a challenge for me to look past those physical imperfections.  I see that having a dark complexion comes with unwanted body or facial hair.  Not a plus for a woman in this society.  I realize that even though I had braces for 5 ½ years of my youth, my teeth have shifted into not just a position that causes painful cheek biting at night, but also a very imperfect smile.  My arms were once pretty muscular and toned, and now they surely show my age, and the wear and tear.  My once proud 6 pack (I’m being generous here) abs are no longer so ripped.

That is the view I honestly see, if I don’t step to the side and change my viewpoint.

If I want, however, I can look beyond the imperfections and insecurity points and see some beauty.  Because the truth is, there is beauty to see; with me, with you, and with most people.

The view depends greatly on the viewpoint.

THE VIEW FROM LONELY HILL

Sam and I often talk of loneliness.  I think it’s one of the great struggles in this very complicated life.  My truth is that I have more family in my life than I can actually find time for, I have good friends at work, I have a wife I love to pieces, and a few old and amazing friendships.  How could I ever, remotely, feel lonely?  I don’t know, but I do.  And I suspect I’m not alone in having this feeling.

I think loneliness is just another part of the human condition.  And I don’t know that it’s necessarily something we should rush to fix.  It may be like that perfect mirror we long to find, where we look into it and see a reflection without imperfection.  It’s illusive for a reason; it doesn’t exist.  There is no perfect mirror, and I really don’t believe there is a permanent elixir for loneliness.

Sometimes we are lonely because we are all alone.  And sometimes, we are surrounded by people, but still long for more connection.  In our world now, it seems that we are overly connected; I can reach a friend in California or Texas or Washington almost instantly.  I know what many people in my life are doing, most days of the week.  And unfortunately, you all probably know what I’m doing most days, too.  So, we are all pretty connected.

I’ve read many articles lately that suggest that our forms of connections are just leading to more unhappiness, and I honestly say I see the point.  It does pass the smell test as true.  But even if it is, I don’t think the concept of loneliness is new in the last decade.  It seems to me from conversations with people who came before me or from reading in books from years past, that loneliness has been around a lot longer than mirrors have been.

So, in those moments when I feel lonely, I try and do a few things.  I try not to stress out about it.  It’s only loneliness, after all I also try to remember that loneliness is just another part of life, and that like everything else on this planet, it will pass.

And most of all, while I work to let it wash away to happier emotions, I’m cognizant of my viewpoint.  Instead of thinking how I miss this friend or that friend who might be far away, or how I miss my folks who spend the winter states away, or how I miss many people who have long such passed away, I think how lucky I am to go home to someone I love.  I remind myself that I go into work every day and see people that make me smile.  I let my mind do a private little music video of the people that have been integral in my life.  Sometimes that video adds to sadness, I’ll admit, but it shifts me away from loneliness.  Not everyone has the same antidotes to loneliness, but I feel strongly that each person has their own viewpoint that reveals real connection and love with others.

THE VIEW YOU WANT, OR THE VIEW YOU NEED?

Even though I want to never feel loneliness or a sense of less than, I can’t always get what I want.  But, if I change the viewpoint from which I’m experiencing these emotions, I might just see a view I need to see.

The Super Bowl proves to me something I have long since suspected; people see what they want to see.

Was Super Bowl 46 a good game or a bad game?  Was it exciting or boring?  It’s amazing to hear every answer on the spectrum of options to these questions, depending on the responder.  We are all talking about the same game, but we all have very different opinions about it.

SUPER BOWL TEASERS

In recent years, Super Bowl commercials have become almost as big as the game.  We anticipate them leading up to the game, and we instantly judge them as they occur.  We discuss them afterwards via popularity polls, surveys and articles and everyone picks their own winner of the “who won the commercial bowl.’  It reminds me quite a bit of political debates; more spin after the fact than concrete and new information during the event.  Which commercial stirred a laugh, or provided goose bumps moments depends upon who you ask.

CLINT INSPIRES SOME, ANNOYS OTHERS

The Clint Eastwood ad for Chrysler; message needed and message received?  Is the bit old?  Is Clint too old?  I have heard and read everything from inspiring to annoying in response to the ad.  It’s amazing to hear and see such widely varying emotional responses to the same two minute spot.  Since the Eastwood ad hits home for me and so many in the area I live, this topic deserves its own blog (and it will receive one).

HALFTIME SCHMAFTIME

Nothing in relation to the Super Bowl is more debated and oddly hyped than the Halftime show.  No matter the entertainer selected to perform there is a large and vocal group that opposes the selection.  And in the rare times that a selection is widely applauded, reviews of the halftime show range from irritating to down-right ridiculous.  I often wonder if people realize this is a HALFTIME SHOW….and yes, I’m yelling that.  It’s a HALFTIME SHOW; a few minutes between halves of a FOOTBALL GAME.   Madonna is fine.  Her show was fine.  Most of the performances during the halftime shows in recent years have been fine.  I mean, get over it already.  This is ridiculous.  It’s a few minute FREE show during the middle of a sporting event.  It’s never going to please everyone, there will always be complaints, and there will always be ridiculous conversation over something that is just pointless and meaningless.  Let me make sure you know this:  You don’t have to watch.  My word!  Nothing irritates me more than irrational irritation over this stupid freaking halftime show.  MOVE ON!

DOES THE BEST TEAM WIN?

This is something that most sports fans talk about in great depth, in most big games.  Very often a team with a lesser record, or potentially less obvious talent, beats the “better” team.  I never really like the idea of who “deserves” the win more; are we talking about a divine and karmic deserving?  Does effort equate to deserving?  Does talent equate to deserving?  It’s a hollow and an odd spin to make following a game, and one that certainly depends solely on the view of the observer.

BUILD A WINNER

I have long held the belief that when it comes to building a team the focus should be solely on simply making the playoffs.  I said that before the Detroit Tigers started last season.  And I say it time and time again as I watch all sports.  If a team overly focuses on putting together the most talent to win a championship it seems that push nudges a team too far.  Talent wins championships.  So does effort.  So does luck.  You need an odd mix of ingredients to win it all, and in my honest opinion, you can’t actually define all of the ingredients.  More than not, there is a weird magic to a winning season that usually includes getting hot at the right time, and having the ball “bounce your way” a time or two.  We have seen it recently with the New York Giants, with the Green Bay Packers last year, with the San Francisco Giants a couple years ago, or with the St. Louis Cardinals last year.  None of these winners were picked to win championships.  And few of them were favored going into their championship game or series.  They were teams that hung around long enough, got hot at the right time, and had a few key things go their way.  Those truths don’t take away from their championship; just the opposite, they help to define them.  It is what it is.

But the better team?  The move deserving team?  The more exciting team?  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  And for every opinion on one side of an argument, there is an equally loud and grating argument on the other side.

ARE THE LIONS LITTLE GIANTS?

The bigger part of the discussion for me is “what does this mean for my Detroit Lions?”  Again, it depends on the view point of the answer.  In one breath the Giants victory gives me hope that the Lions aren’t far away from making a Super Bowl and like the Giants they can “get hot at the right time, and ride the arm of a good QB.”  It seems more probable that the Lions can win without a strong running game, or potentially a strong secondary.  It all seems possible.

On the flip side, it seems the NFC has taken back some mojo from the previously dominating AFC.  It was just a few years ago that all of the top teams in the NFL resided in that conference.  But now, there are the Giants, the Packers, the 49ers, the Saints, and the Falcons.  And that list doesn’t even account for teams like the Cowboys and the Bears that could easily bump themselves into the discussion.  The NFC is a strong conference with many great QBs.  The Lions have the unfortunate luck of finally improving within a division that houses Aaron Rodgers and the very potent Green Bay Packers.  The Lions have the unfortunate luck of finally improving within a conference that is finally rising from the ashes.  It’s all about timing, and right now it seems that timing isn’t favoring my Leos.  But again, it’s all about perspective and all about who you ask.

HOW IS THE VIEW FROM OVER THERE?

People see what they want to see.  Foul or no foul?  The answer likely depends on the rooting interest of the viewer.  Was it a good game or a bad game, were the commercials up to par, did Madonna bring it?  It depends on who you ask, and I guarantee if you ask 10 people, you will receive 10 very unique responses.  The Super Bowl is about football.  The Super Bowl is about snacks.  The Super Bowl is about a massive cultural event that transcends the event itself.  It is the ultimate summation of our society, and a reflection of “who we are”, warts and all.  The Super Bowl is grand.  It has ego and involves heroes.  It has winners and losers.  It’s about capitalism and social media.   It’s about hype and over analysis.  It’s America being America.  We watch it together.  We all see it, differently, together.  It is more dressing than it is meat, but the flavors are unique to each of our own taste buds.  It’s the most super of all sporting events because we have made it so.  It is just more proof, as Clint Eastwood said, that we want the world to hear our engines roar.